Writing had become my scapegoat to get away from a mad world; A way to kill the stress, to express myself without serious judgement, etc. etc. For some time in my illustrious career, I had the impression to be one of the best in my category, heck, some might say the best although that's just nonsense. Still, it had helped with my personal lack of self-esteem in the past and, perhaps, my more than average ego and confidence now.
But one of the more distinguishing highlights--and most memorable and possibly best thing-- that writing fanfics had done for me is probably knowing people, knowing friends who've had a huge impact in my life. In a moment of weakness I came to realize a friend--a very good one--who's probably helped me realize a lot more of myself than I would have ever known. Who's been the guiding voice for me through the lowest points in my life and has been there through ups and downs and basically every craziness.
I'm not sure to what extent we'll be inseparable or that there will be such a time that we'll have to walk separate roads. Honestly, I do not ever wish to think of such a thing or even want such a thing to happen but to quote the cold reality: 'no one is ever indispensable'. I have to face facts that time is not a luxury and that the best interest of others that really need me in the future will have to be the priority but if nothing else, I've proved myself to be hardheaded, selfish and persistent. But that would only be the case of myself. Maybe others move on better than I do.
She might and I'll have no say in that. It's not my call.
I guess not writing lodged a deep fear in me of losing everything I've gained through writing. Perhaps that's been the cause of the paranoia for some time; the extreme fear I had despite not knowing what exactly I was afraid of. It's become clear: I'm afraid that I'll lose her...
I know this is irrational and downright idiotic thinking but things haven't been peachy as of late. We haven't actually been that much of happy campers, well, I haven't. And the memorable days adrift it was now more of keeping each other sane, calm and composed. Not what I would have hoped for. But then a couple of souls that life hasn't been good to can't expect rainbows and butterflies.
Was she far better off without me entering her life?
Has me participating in her life worsen or made it a little better? Was it destiny or mere coincidence that we'd meet and get to know each other. What role did I play in her life? What am I to her?
Perhaps I've found the root of all this melancholy. It wasn't even writing to begin with...
I don't give a damn about reputation any more. About what I am to the fandom or what I'm suppose to represent. It was a phase I couldn't detached myself because of the unspoken love I had for my very own cousin I could easily represent in Ben and Gwen. The reason why I felt so strongly attached to these characters but after everything that's happened, I've moved on from that phase.
If I called it quits would anyone I know be better off? Would she be better off? Would there be less grief? Would she be better than she is now? Less sad?
