This will be my final blog entry. After this, I'm forced to abandon everything in the past regardless of how much it hurts. Those who come across this will hear my final message under the pen name some are familiarized with as bengwen014. To paraphrase, this is the last you'll hear from my alias.

I fail to understand completely how things went wrong. But the way it always has been, I'll always put the blame on me, because, to me, nobody could ever fuck things up worst than I can. It's always been that way and it'll always be that way. I have to stop trying to appease everybody-- it'll fall back on me in the end, and this I can account yet again for wasting my time again just to see me screw it up in the end. That's why I choose to break this cycle.

I've lost a very important part of me, of my life now, and those wounds would never fully heal. Like a broken mirror, even when everything is put together, the cracks are still there. They're still visible. I remain a shattered soul, lost in a fast-paced life I'm not suited for. I'm not truly ready to turn the world towards my own course. It never happens the way I want it to.

When I thought once that dreams, promises, and hopes of a future could for once be true and can be shared with another, yet again, I let myself be duped by my thoughts. You can't look far ahead and you can't make wishful thinking with something so very volatile and erratic. I understand now that to truly let someone live a life that they can be happy and that they can appreciate what it actually means to truly be alive, I cannot partake in their life. I'm holding them down. They won't truly be happy as long as I'm involved. That again is why I choose to break this cycle.

Essentially, you're still a very important part of me and always will be. I'll always treasure everything but it's time to lock them in a place inside where they won't be forgotten nor will have to be remembered. Here's to a man who lost everything and gained nothing but the knowledge to move on. The one who has to pull deep within himself to reassess his current state and resurface to his previous life. Here's to a man who only wants resurrection and wishes that his mistakes have taught him well and toughened him little by little, day by day. Again I choose to break the cycle.

Perhaps the future may not be so cruel to me and I hope that it'll be kind to you. I wish you live your life fully and nothing but the best. I won't mettle, it isn't meant that way. Maybe to see you again in another place, another time will be my accolade. Perhaps. But right now all I can say is--

I'm sorry and goodbye...

Life: Reloaded

Decided to stretch the flexibility of my writing and ponder on some late revelations and past reveries of my life. I know not much of us would go to an extent to be all emo about our lives, well, not publicly and extremely detailed per se but it's common human nature so sue me.

I knew life was a bittersweet exchange of ups and downs-- think roller coaster-- but what struck me is how quickly these things happen. One day you go home, an exuberant smile painted on your lips, thinking days like these-- they don't come around this perfect. A minute or two, perhaps a message or a text or overhearing something, that smile quickly dissipates, struck with the worse news, or perhaps on some occasion purposely meant to recall that one dreadful event long suppressed.

Let's indulge from a common standpoint, eh? Perhaps something as common as crushes or love or whatever you wanna call it. Knowing someone won't be yours, tell me that doesn't suck? Or perhaps you wanna tell them so badly, but you're afraid to and you post up these insane lines you got from some mushy gunk love site, hoping they'll notice, or at least get a clue. Meh, only the brave and daring profit, buddy. Reality check. Up for grabs, she doesn't know. Don't think I have the balls to back up whatever the hell I just ranted about. Hope she did...oh, wait, I make it sooooo obvious. Great job, genius.

Friendship-- I lost a good friend and I don't know why. I don't know the cause but I still blame myself because I am not really the type to say I'm sorry first or even blatantly start making that move. But I'm really sorry nonetheless for whatever it is and perhaps everything will mend in due time again. Wow, I'm writing a long one. Cool.

Lastly, for some time now, I've been worrying about my favorite cousin because I feel so helplessly powerless to do anything to help her or at least make her feel better. I'm not spreading details because I feel this tragedy is best kept in closed doors but regardless, I'd want nothing more than see her the way I'm used to: her usual upbeat and zealous self. And so I pray that later developments will prove more positive for her. Keep safe, 'cous.

Welp, I've gone on for like three or so paragraphs now--I don't want to count how long I wrote this thing-- so I'm done and yeah, killing fifteen minutes for this was interesting. Plus, I really want to write some more stories like the old days but I honestly, I just don't have the will to anymore after everything. I'm dead inside...See ya!