Phoenix: Dying Ember

I thought I'd end myself but then suddenly I'm back in..all of this. I thought I could forget everything about my past but then I'm forcefully yanked again by faith, doing the unthinkable. Once again I'm bengwen014: writer, unconditional anchor, unconditional friend. To dwell in my past means remembering the darkest and lightest of days. The worst of enemies and truest of friends. Dejection, betrayal, fool's love; all masked in ambiguity by a face seemingly unstirred. But so much this time, I take these things to the mildest degree. There's not an ounce left of anything to spend. It may not even come as a surprise anymore.

So wrong.

I thought I could never be taken by surprise anymore. No. I've barely reached the point of knowing everything about everything I thought I knew. It's comes to a shock to a degree that betrays my seemingly calm demeanor. Just because. Just because it rattled everything I thought I knew, felt, and even possibly hoped. On so many levels I felt I was being blindingly led. Like a dog lured by a bone tied to a fishing pole. I don't know. Maybe it was my own expectations and high hopes that unraveled me. Yes. Maybe I was my own undoing. Because it seems so, that was always the case with myself. I've no one to blame but myself and wistful thinking.

Thinking back at all the wasted time I couldn't take back, I feel so very stupid for all those missed opportunities. I could have been happy right now. I could have enjoyed the comfort of a pair that would have lit up my world. That I could have shared with. Instead I wafted into oblivion, delaying and biding my tine, thinking I was being untrue. Untrue? Untrue to what? Untrue to whom? The fact was I had no one at that time but thought I did. It felt that way at the time. Because I felt so committed. Because I came to give regards to every word I said. Because I treated everything as genuine. Because I thought I was immensely loyal.

Now I'm back here with a start looking so grim. I'd shake all those thoughts and laugh and hide behind a visage I've been wearing for years past. I'd pretend everything was perfect. As if nothing was wrong. Untrue. Everything is wrong. I have nothing. I've lost everything.

It's a simple fact: Everything moved on. I didn't.