Mutual Attraction

Have you ever wish you could just tell someone something but can't find the right words? Have you shyed away from just pouring yourself out, afraid of the repercussions? Do I sound like a telemarketer trying to sell some stupid newfangled contraption that doesn't really work? Ignoring the last one, sucks when that happens, huh?

The words couldn't be easier; Three tiny words. Three simple syllables. A world of meaning. Still, we choke. Run out of breath. How so? First problem. One word: Roadblock. Actually that's two words but technically counts as one as...whatever. I'd like to refer to it as Relationship Distortion. Hate it. Despise it. Screw it.

Problem two: I've stated problem two in the first paragraph in case you weren't paying attention.

I've got one solution: The Great Escape. I've dubbed it and it's a matter of time before the cogs start turning in motion.

Hmm...come to think of it, considering all of my posts...maybe I am emo. Oh joy.

Dark Horse White Horse

I don't know what I'm still waiting for. In fact, why am I not opting to start a relationship? Why can't I just face that girl I've been so eagerly crushing on and just get it over with? I mean, she's basically a block away. Literally. Why don't I just do that? Why am I delaying? We both know it pretty well. I got it bad for her. She's quite aware. Waiting for me. Oh, the shy type as well. Isn't that suppose to be a good thing? A plausible happily-whatever-after? So, why the fuck am I prolonging?

Could I possibly be hoping for something else? Someone else? What? Shit. The damn with my own self--perhaps rethorical--questions. Somehow...I'm feeling this isn't it, whatever crap my mind keeps telling me otherwise. I don't know. Maybe I'll wait a little longer...

Paranoid

I never thought it were actually true but I could very well be paranoid. I worry about stuff...every nanosecond. I check my mail...every nanosecond. I worry about not being able to check my mail...ever nanosecond. As if something could happen in those precious nanoseconds that I didn't keep track. When I feel something isn't right, a million worst case scenarios play in my head. I can get so fucking insecure at times when I'm not sure of something.

Maybe I am paranoid. Maybe it's not such a bad thing. Better go check my mail...

Insomnia

I never thought that I'd fall in love, love, love, love
But it grew from a simple crush, crush, crush, crush
Being without you girl, I was all messed up, up, up, up
When you walked out, said that you'd had enough-nough-nough-nough

Been a fool, girl I know
Didn't expect this is how things would go
Maybe in time, you'll change your mind
Now looking back I wish I could rewind

Because I can't sleep til you're next to me
No, I can't live without you no more
Oh, I stay up til you're next to me
'Til this house feels like it did before
Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah
Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah

Remember telling my boys that I'd never fall in love, love, love, love
You used to think I'd never find a girl I could trust, trust, trust, trust
And then you walked into my life and it was all about us, us, us, us
But now I'm sitting here thinking I messed the whole thing up, up, up, up

Been a fool (fool), girl I know (know)
Didn't expect this is how things would go
Maybe in time (time), you'll change your mind (mind)
Now looking back I wish I could rewind

Because I can't sleep til you're next to me
No, I can't live without you no more (without you no more)
Oh, I stay up til you're next to me (to me)
'Til this house feels like it did before (Because it)
Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah
Feels like insomnia ah ah (Ah), Feels like insomnia ah ah

Ah, I just can't go to sleep
Cause it feels like I've fallen for you
It's getting way too deep
And i know that it's love because

I can't sleep til you're next to me
No i can't live without you no more (without you no more)
Oh I stay up til you're next to me (to me)
Til this house feels like it did before
Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah
Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah

Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah
Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah

Back in Black

No, I'm not emo but I do have an affinity for black. Anything dark in color. Love it. In fact, I have a whole ensemble dedicated to black. My bro calls it my 'emo look' but I just really love the color. In fact, I sometimes wear black eyeliner just to stress out how much I love black. It's dark, enigmatic and usually associated with the negative side of life. The yang of existence. The grotesque, anarchic and destructive path. It's beautiful symphony to my eyes.

Cold Water

Just so we're clear, I'm not a living saint. In fact, I ain't any kind of humanitarian. True, I can be sincere, understanding, even downright sensitive but one thing I'm not is a damn pretender. Piss me off and I'll give you the one-finger salute coupled with a piece of my goddamn mind. Patrick is already demonstrating the first part.

I don't pretend I'm Mr. Right. I admit I watch porn, heck, even picture it in my mind at times...with different people. It's what guys think about. We would be lying if we said we weren't. In fact, nobody can honestly say that they don't...unless they're a bunch of fags.

I don't smoke nor I drink but taking away the restrictions, I would do so. I'll try anything once. Heck, maybe even murder...okay, maybe not murder but I'll still drink. Maybe smoke once and stop. It's stupid. It's dangerous. It's just a one-shot thrill. Trying pot? Hell, no. Marijuana...I'll get back on that.

So if we ever catch eyes and you smile at me, either I'll smile back or yell "What the hell are you looking at?", unless you happen to be a chick 'cause that's a whole different story. Let's drink. I'm buying.

New Day

It's a new day. A new sight, new sound, new feel of what will be. Get lucky in love. I always bummed at that category. Actually failed miserably. Couldn't swoon with lines or strike a pose. Maybe I could get all charm-like but to date, no serious relationships though I yearn for one. But being in love with 3 women isn't my idea of a relationship heading a succesful road.

*Sigh*

Lose Yourself

In all the craziness around us, we sometimes forget ourselves. That's why I'm writing right now. These are some things you just can't Tweet about. Won't Tweet about. It's a mile walk away from all those Bwen rants and what other nonsense I kept spouting that became my claim to fame. A mile off from my other Bwen-ish blog. Frankly, I'm done with that. Done with the pairing for now. Now, I'm talking about a real me. Not the author. Not bengwen014. Just the teen behind the masquerade.

So, basically, this blog is all about me. Not the FF personality. Not just that author. I've been looking at things lately. They've been blazing past me and I stammered and blinked and missed it. Focus and see everything slow down. Take a deep breath. Give some thought at everything that went by. It's been hell and crazy. That's why I'm not straining fingers with a struggling fic. I'm understanding what the damn is actually happening. And the answer is: A lot.