Phoenix: Dying Ember

I thought I'd end myself but then suddenly I'm back in..all of this. I thought I could forget everything about my past but then I'm forcefully yanked again by faith, doing the unthinkable. Once again I'm bengwen014: writer, unconditional anchor, unconditional friend. To dwell in my past means remembering the darkest and lightest of days. The worst of enemies and truest of friends. Dejection, betrayal, fool's love; all masked in ambiguity by a face seemingly unstirred. But so much this time, I take these things to the mildest degree. There's not an ounce left of anything to spend. It may not even come as a surprise anymore.

So wrong.

I thought I could never be taken by surprise anymore. No. I've barely reached the point of knowing everything about everything I thought I knew. It's comes to a shock to a degree that betrays my seemingly calm demeanor. Just because. Just because it rattled everything I thought I knew, felt, and even possibly hoped. On so many levels I felt I was being blindingly led. Like a dog lured by a bone tied to a fishing pole. I don't know. Maybe it was my own expectations and high hopes that unraveled me. Yes. Maybe I was my own undoing. Because it seems so, that was always the case with myself. I've no one to blame but myself and wistful thinking.

Thinking back at all the wasted time I couldn't take back, I feel so very stupid for all those missed opportunities. I could have been happy right now. I could have enjoyed the comfort of a pair that would have lit up my world. That I could have shared with. Instead I wafted into oblivion, delaying and biding my tine, thinking I was being untrue. Untrue? Untrue to what? Untrue to whom? The fact was I had no one at that time but thought I did. It felt that way at the time. Because I felt so committed. Because I came to give regards to every word I said. Because I treated everything as genuine. Because I thought I was immensely loyal.

Now I'm back here with a start looking so grim. I'd shake all those thoughts and laugh and hide behind a visage I've been wearing for years past. I'd pretend everything was perfect. As if nothing was wrong. Untrue. Everything is wrong. I have nothing. I've lost everything.

It's a simple fact: Everything moved on. I didn't.

This will be my final blog entry. After this, I'm forced to abandon everything in the past regardless of how much it hurts. Those who come across this will hear my final message under the pen name some are familiarized with as bengwen014. To paraphrase, this is the last you'll hear from my alias.

I fail to understand completely how things went wrong. But the way it always has been, I'll always put the blame on me, because, to me, nobody could ever fuck things up worst than I can. It's always been that way and it'll always be that way. I have to stop trying to appease everybody-- it'll fall back on me in the end, and this I can account yet again for wasting my time again just to see me screw it up in the end. That's why I choose to break this cycle.

I've lost a very important part of me, of my life now, and those wounds would never fully heal. Like a broken mirror, even when everything is put together, the cracks are still there. They're still visible. I remain a shattered soul, lost in a fast-paced life I'm not suited for. I'm not truly ready to turn the world towards my own course. It never happens the way I want it to.

When I thought once that dreams, promises, and hopes of a future could for once be true and can be shared with another, yet again, I let myself be duped by my thoughts. You can't look far ahead and you can't make wishful thinking with something so very volatile and erratic. I understand now that to truly let someone live a life that they can be happy and that they can appreciate what it actually means to truly be alive, I cannot partake in their life. I'm holding them down. They won't truly be happy as long as I'm involved. That again is why I choose to break this cycle.

Essentially, you're still a very important part of me and always will be. I'll always treasure everything but it's time to lock them in a place inside where they won't be forgotten nor will have to be remembered. Here's to a man who lost everything and gained nothing but the knowledge to move on. The one who has to pull deep within himself to reassess his current state and resurface to his previous life. Here's to a man who only wants resurrection and wishes that his mistakes have taught him well and toughened him little by little, day by day. Again I choose to break the cycle.

Perhaps the future may not be so cruel to me and I hope that it'll be kind to you. I wish you live your life fully and nothing but the best. I won't mettle, it isn't meant that way. Maybe to see you again in another place, another time will be my accolade. Perhaps. But right now all I can say is--

I'm sorry and goodbye...

Life: Reloaded

Decided to stretch the flexibility of my writing and ponder on some late revelations and past reveries of my life. I know not much of us would go to an extent to be all emo about our lives, well, not publicly and extremely detailed per se but it's common human nature so sue me.

I knew life was a bittersweet exchange of ups and downs-- think roller coaster-- but what struck me is how quickly these things happen. One day you go home, an exuberant smile painted on your lips, thinking days like these-- they don't come around this perfect. A minute or two, perhaps a message or a text or overhearing something, that smile quickly dissipates, struck with the worse news, or perhaps on some occasion purposely meant to recall that one dreadful event long suppressed.

Let's indulge from a common standpoint, eh? Perhaps something as common as crushes or love or whatever you wanna call it. Knowing someone won't be yours, tell me that doesn't suck? Or perhaps you wanna tell them so badly, but you're afraid to and you post up these insane lines you got from some mushy gunk love site, hoping they'll notice, or at least get a clue. Meh, only the brave and daring profit, buddy. Reality check. Up for grabs, she doesn't know. Don't think I have the balls to back up whatever the hell I just ranted about. Hope she did...oh, wait, I make it sooooo obvious. Great job, genius.

Friendship-- I lost a good friend and I don't know why. I don't know the cause but I still blame myself because I am not really the type to say I'm sorry first or even blatantly start making that move. But I'm really sorry nonetheless for whatever it is and perhaps everything will mend in due time again. Wow, I'm writing a long one. Cool.

Lastly, for some time now, I've been worrying about my favorite cousin because I feel so helplessly powerless to do anything to help her or at least make her feel better. I'm not spreading details because I feel this tragedy is best kept in closed doors but regardless, I'd want nothing more than see her the way I'm used to: her usual upbeat and zealous self. And so I pray that later developments will prove more positive for her. Keep safe, 'cous.

Welp, I've gone on for like three or so paragraphs now--I don't want to count how long I wrote this thing-- so I'm done and yeah, killing fifteen minutes for this was interesting. Plus, I really want to write some more stories like the old days but I honestly, I just don't have the will to anymore after everything. I'm dead inside...See ya!

Ignorance

When you make a horrible mistake, and have no way of taking it back, it forever scars you and haunts your mind. The aftermath of it all, the sheer ineptitude and shame. It's tormented me to heights I've created for myself, regardless of its degree. It's been hard to forget that one little thing, mainly because the animosity is still there. My damnation he would dance about with glee, more to the point of melodrama and probably one he will never let go.

I'm not sure I can face it, let alone let go of it. It runs through me day and night until everything is forgiven. It toys with me, destroys my psyche and ultimately isolates me from time to time to a split-second reverie of remorse and spite. The makings of a good read is my misery. It's fine poetry, ultimate tragedy indeed. Regardless, I must forge on and prove I am worthy of vindication. For now, I, wracked with guilt, am sorry I was foolhardy, and, pray tell, this is not over. You will have my forgiveness but know that I am not about to succumb to your constraints. I will rise above and break your rules yet again..when time will allow me and the healing has come to fruition. Yes, my negligence is one you will never restrain.

This is not over.

[edit]

1. What do you add to your coffee?

-I don't drink coffee

2. What are you reading now?

-Nothing in particular

3. Do you own a gun?

-No

4. Are you registered to vote?

-Yes

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?

-Yeah

6. What do you think of hot dogs?

-Okay

7. Favorite Christmas Song?

-'Deck The Halls' mainly coz I can make it sound violent

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?

-O.J.

9. Can you do push ups?

-Yes

10. What was the name of your first boyfriend/girlfriend?

-I don't wanna think about it

11. What’s your favorite piece of jewelery?

-Blood Diamonds

12. Favorite hobby?

-Video Games

13. Do you work with people who idolize you?

-Yeah

14. Do you have ADD?

-Pretty much

15. What’s one trait that you hate about yourself?

-A lot

16. What’s your Middle name?

-Fuck am I saying anything

17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment.

-I wonder if a fall from this height is enough to kill me. Will tomorrow screw me again? I wish I had soda.

18. Name 3 things you bought yesterday.

-Food

19. Name 3 beverages you regularly drink.

-O.J., Coke, and Iced Tea

20. Current worry right now?

-A lot of shit

21. What side do you dress to?

-Left

22. Favorite place to be?

-Isolated

23. How did you bring in the New Year?

-Meh, it was crap

24. Where would you like to go?

-Whatever

25. Name three people who will complete this.

-Three people as bored as I am

26. Whose answers do you want to read the most?

-Would it matter?

27. What color shirt are you wearing?

-Dark

28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?

-I really don't care

29. Can you whistle?

-No...

30. Favorite colors(s)?

Black, Blue, and Vermilion

31. Could you be a pirate?

-Argh

32. What songs do you sing in the shower?

-Whatever's on

33. Favorite girls name?

-I...want to shut up...

34. Favorite boy’s name?

-Killzone

35. What’s in your pocket right now?

-Microscopic bacteria

36. Last thing that made you laugh?

-Sheer irony

37. Best bed sheets as a child?

-I don't know

38. Worst injury you’ve ever had?

-Chipped bone

39. Do you love where you live?

-Guess so

40. How many TVs do you have in your house?

-Two

.
41. Who is your loudest friend?

-My thoughts

42. How many dogs do you have?

-Eleven

43. Does anyone have a crush on you?

-I think so...

44. What are the most fun things you ever did?

-Rolled over and dropped dead...

45. What are your favorite books?

-Lazy to name

46. What is your favorite candy?

-Anything sweet

47. Favorite Team?

-San Antonio Spurs

48. What songs do you want played at your funeral?

-It Ends Tonight

49. What were you doing at 12 AM?

-Rolling in bed

50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?

-Great, a new day [sarcasm]