I dunno. Recently I've just been envying those people (couple) around me who look like a perfect pair; snuggling and whatnot. I know I've just recovered from the shock of a recent break-up but the thing is it wasn't long lived. I never really got the feel of what it's like to be with the person you love and care for. Sure I loved her but thinking back, maybe I didn't really actually love her like love her. Maybe I was just compensating for the love I don't have that others have. Maybe I just wanted to experience what it felt like to hold someone who is actually there.
Of course we had some relationship issues but we're still good friends. But looking, listening to those people who say they have the best girlfriend/boyfriend, a jolt runs through my spine. An unpleasant one; probably jealousy? That I never truly have anyone that loves me as much as I love her? That possibly all I had was an empty relationship in the beginning? You would think I'm hesitant to fall so quickly and blindlessly again but the thing is...I never fell for that girl in the first place. Maybe I was just making her a lay for a relationship I wanted to feel too.
Yes, it strikes me a bit to some degree when I hear about other people gushing over their perfect boo. But maybe I should just let it slip through my ear for now, even if I have to put up with mocks and ridicules from the guys for being this currently single guy but mostly because it was the dumping bit. Maybe I just want another person to say 'I love you too'. A person I love. Maybe I'm just crazy. Or maybe emotionally unbalanced right now. Hormones are quite destructive little things.
I'm not sure. I'll wait some more. For an actual person I care for. Maybe that should have been what I did from the start..
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